Back and There Again

I've been back from vacation for a week now, but I wonder if I'm really back or not. I haven't been able to really focus on anything important - no writing, no blogging, nothing really important has been able to penetrate the thick fog of my brain. I must be pining for the mountains. Something about the beauty of a mountain lake really gets to me. The air was nice - and i can breath it because there are no lawns being mowed out in the pines and quakies - the beach was pleasent, the hikes were breathtaking (not just in that I breathed harder), and the company was relaxing.

Now that the break is over it's hard to get back to responsibility. Thus, last Monday I was browsing YouTube instead of working on my writing. I think I was feeling guilty about it because I jumped a little higher than usual when I heard Beezle's voice booming behind my shoulder.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?"

"Nothing really," I said, "just messing around."

"I THOUGHT I HEARD A SMALL CHILD COMPLAINING THAT HE'D BEEN BITTEN BY A CREATURE CALLED CHARLIE."

I chuckled, "Yeah, I'm watching YouTube"

"YOU-TUBE?"

"It's a place on the internet where people can post videos."

"WHAT? THE INTERNETS HAVE BEEN INVENTED? WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED OF THIS? I HAVE BEEN WAITING PATIENTLY FOR THE LAST SEVERAL THOUSAND YEARS."

"You knew that the internet was coming?"

"OF COURSE. THE INTERNETS HAVE A PROMINENT PLACE IN DEMONIC PROPHECY. THEY WERE TO COME FORTH AS A TOOL OF MASS DESTRUCTION AND SOUL HARVESTING, USHERED IN BY THE GREAT BLOODY ONE: ALL GORE"

"Do you mean Al Gore? I hate to break it to you, but he didn't invent the internet. And though I'm not a fan, I doubt he's ever done anything particularly bloody in his life."

"FOOLISH MORTAL. OF COURSE ALL GORE INVENTED THE INTERNETS. AND IF HE HAS NOT YET FILLED MANY GRAVES, HE SOON WILL. WHY ELSE WOULD WE CALL HIM ALL GORE? HAS HE UNLEASHED THE LOL-CATS YET?"

My interchange with Beezle on the topic of the "internets" went for quite a while, so I'll sum up for you. Beezle is convinced, that All Gore, the most grotesque soon-to-be-mass-murderer of our time, is in league with all the forces of darkness. Though that's a little far fetched I think he's not too far off about the soul harvesting. If what he told me is accurate, the lol cats are just the beginning. You'd best hunker down and limit your YouTube hours or your body, mind, and soul is destined for a demon's pantry.

Beezle's enthusiasm for the internet was so great that I've been able to capitalize on it. In exchange for a wall plug in the basement I he signed a billing contract with me: questions for service. Getting everything set up  was fairly exciting. Beezle somehow came up with a bag of money for me, and with it I purchased him a top of the line computer and upgraded to a cat5 connection. When the serviceman, Bill, came to install the wall plug and upgrade our wiring the deal was that I would go with him to the basement and that Beezle would stay out of sight. Beezle was a little upset. He wanted to greet the bearer of the internets with a gift or two. The way things went, I wish I would have let him - the poor fellow would have thought he'd gone nuts, but I'd have been spared a lot of embarrassment.

When we went downstairs to set things up, we found a small shrine in the middle of the room. At the center of the room, amid archaic symbols and pools of blood stood a polished onix dias. The new computer sat on a spacious alter-like desk in the center of the dais. An enormous throne made completely of bones sat behind it.

I tried to tell Bill that I was a Halloween enthusiast, but when I opened my mouth I learned that Beezle is an accomplished ventriloquist.

"YOU ARE TOO PUNY TO BEAR THE GREAT DARKNESS OF THE INTERNETS ALONE. WHAT DARK MASTER DO YOU SERVE?"

I snapped my mouth shut. Bill laughed nervously and said, "Comcast?"

I wanted to tell him that the voice was a party trick I was working on, but I didn't dare. Instead I just clenched my mouth and smiled. I think Bill was unnerved. He did his best to keep his back away from me until the moment he left and any time I moved at all he jumped. When he left I should have just waved. Without thinking I shook his hand and opened my mouth to say, "Thanks."

Instead I said, "IF THESE INTERNETS DO NOT MEET WITH MY APPROVAL I SHALL CONSTRUCT A FOOTSTOOL FROM YOUR BONES AND ADORN IT WITH YOUR EVER-BURNING ORGANS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

I was still grasping Bill's hand at the time. He yanked it back, stuttered an affirmation, and backed up the stairs. I dove for my wallet to pull out a twenty, but he turned and dashed up to the main floor, leaving me with the bill hanging limply from my fingers.

"HE DID NOT LINGER. THIS IS FORTNATE, AS YOU ARE THEREFORE MORE READILY AVAILABLE TO ATTEND TO ME."

I whirled to find Beezle already sitting on his throne, caressing the computer tower.

"NOW, COME," he continued, "AND TEACH ME THE SECRETS OF COMMUNING WITH THE INTERNETS."

I could feel the heat rising to my head. I threw my hands in the air and said, "I can't believe it. I just can't believe it."

"IS IT THAT MY IMPRESSIVE VOICE GRACED YOUR LIPS, OR THE FACT THAT I WAS ABLE TO SO EASILY SAVE YOU A TWENTY DOLLAR TIP?"

I didn't say anything in response, I just stormed up the stairs. Beezle called after me to tell me that it was just as well that I was leaving, as he'd rather not have an assistant lacking in gratitude. His smugness wore off after a while, and the house was awash with either calls for help, or bitter statements that he didn't need help. These were generally followed by strange incantations and/or multicolored lights and flames spouting from the vents. Finally, after a explosive blast that rocked the mansion, he apologized and bribed me with just enough money for a Kindle. I took great satisfaction from the look on his face when I pressed the power button. I take even greater satisfaction in the wonderful silence that has filled the mansion for the last few days. Maybe I'll get some work done now.

-Jason